A Christmas Carol – Lorraine Coverley

1500 words Humour / Christmas

Everyone knows Dickens’ story of Scrooge, the lonely unloved miser who was visited by three ghosts at Christmas and learned to embrace the true spirit of the season. Of course, it might not always have been in the form we know today. Maybe Dickens struggled with it at first – just a little, perhaps.

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Marley was dead. There is no doubt whatever about that. Scrooge had, in fact, jumped up and down on him a few times, just to make sure, before he spent out on a coffin. Marley was a bit of a practical joker and Scrooge wouldn’t have put it past him to fake his own death. It would probably be a good tax dodge. Scrooge and Marley had been partners. After his death Scrooge had never painted out Old Marley’s name. There it stood, years afterwards, above the warehouse door: Scroo aMarl. The other letters had dropped off in 1825 and he’d never bothered to put them back.

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After the Party – Lorraine Coverley

1450 words Humour

Your four year old has been to Chloe’s party. Somebody has to fetch her home and you drew the short straw. There’s a very real chance that you’re going to have to hear how she behaved while there …

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“I like to pick my nose And sometimes I eat it. It’s all green and …” “Could you sing a different song, do you think?” “Why?” “Well, singing about picking your nose is not as nice as singing about picking daisies, for example.” “I don’t pick daisies.” “True.” “But I do pick my nose.” “Also true. But maybe it doesn’t need singing about.”

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Baa Baa Black Sheep – Lorraine Coverley

1470 words Humour

You settle down with your four year old to listen to her reading you a nursery rhyme, just to help her with her reading. It’s four lines long, for goodness’ sake! How hard can it be?

Well, for a start, children pick up on more than you might think …

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Baa Baa Black Sheep “Baa …” “Baa.” (Pause) “Then it’s the same again. Baa.” “Why?” (Pause) “Well, because it just is.” “Why?” “Because that’s the way the man wrote it.” “What man?” “The man who wrote ‘Baa, Baa, Black Sheep’.” “What’s his name?” “I don’t know! Just a man, who wrote down the nursery rhyme, so that you could show Mummy what a clever girl you are, and read all these words to me.”

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Dear Mrs Golding – Lorraine Coverley

1600 words Humour

Emma works all day, while her husband dabbles at mysterious scientific projects. Their long-suffering cleaner leaves notes for her employer each day, telling Emma about the vanishing sandwiches, the destroyed hoover, the trouble with the ceiling and the day the house is destroyed …

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Dear Mrs. Golding, Have cleaned all windows inside and out. Tea for you and Mr. Golding is in fridge. Mr. Golding did not eat his sandwiches today, so have put them in fridge too. I am sorry about the plates. I didn’t take my money today, because I thought it might help pay for the damage. Have hoovered carefully and I don’t think there are any splinters in the carpet. Mrs. Jenks

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Deer Fathar Chrissmus – Lorraine Coverley

1500 words Humour / Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas … and if the man in the red suit fails to make his delivery on time and to the correct specifications, he’s got an irate four year old to answer to …

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“‘Deer Fathar Crissmus …’” “Good start. Very polite.” “I thought he might bring me more presents that way.” “I see. Carry on.” “‘Her is my tortch, so yoo can find the wai to my beddrum …’” “No, you’re not leaving the torch. He also doesn’t need the little arrows pointing the way.” “He’ll get lost! He won’t know where I am! He’ll climb out of the chimney and he’ll go, ‘Ho, ho, ho – where is she?’ and then he’ll have to wander round and look at everything …” “Father Christmas is cleverer than that. He found you last year.” “But I’m sleeping the other way round, now.”

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Essence of Humour – 17 Short Stories

Cover paperbackHumour

Two  5 * reviews on Amazon

‘Essence of Humour’ is a collection of short stories which brings together the best of humour writing from 17 authors across the globe.

Paperback sales UK ONLY – the book will be sent to your Paypal address unless advised otherwise.

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Stories included: The Hit Man – Chris Cooke, Dear Mrs. Golding – Lorraine Coverley, The Fitting Room – John Malone, Saving Saturday – Arlene Johnson, Fortune Telling With Love Hearts – Paul Warnes, The Substitute – Sarah England , After a While – Peter Lingard , The Marmalade Cat – Raelke Grimmer, The Most Terrible Beast – Khristo Poshtakov , A Test of Friendship – Rosemary J. Kind , The Call Girl – Jaclin Azoulay , The Real Protester – Mel Fawcett , Twinkle, Twinkle – Tracy Fells, Signs – Clive Gresswell , It’s a Dog’s Life – Jackie Tritt , All Talk – Patsy Collins , Bella’s Sparkling Windows – Gill McKinlay

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Good to be Out on the Road – Lorraine Coverley

5600 words Humour / Romance

It is 1896. The new century approaches, new inventions abound and for one Victorian miss, living the stultified life of the genteel middle class, it is the chance for freedom. Freedom, most particularly, in the shape of the new Motor Cars. But whoever heard of a Victorian petrol head?

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Wednesday 29th January 1896 The rain has been well-nigh constant. Mama has been even more fretful than usual, and Papa more absent, for which I, at least, have been grateful. He did not appear for breakfast this morning and Mama found fault with everything the maids did and eventually retired to her room. Papa’s newspaper was lying in his place at table and so I was rather bold and opened it up to read it myself.

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Harry – Lorraine Coverley

3000 words Ghost story

How are you supposed to cope when you’ve lost your husband? And what if your phone rings and there’s never anybody there? Can a phone be haunted?

Caroline is alone now but someone seems to want to contact her. The caller wants something, and Caroline may know what that is.

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The telephone rang insistently in the empty air. Outside, while birds sang and traffic roared, a key scraped in the lock and a woman rushed through into the neat hallway, leaving the door wide open behind her. She dashed for the phone on the polished fruitwood table in the living room. Just as her hand closed over the receiver, the ringing stopped. Irritated, the woman walked back through the hall, slamming the front door shut on her way and sweeping her hand down to retrieve the carrier bag she had dumped there when she heard the phone ringing.

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Mind the Gap – Lorraine Coverley

1500 words Humour

In a moment of weakness, you decide to take your four-year old on a train trip.

Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

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“Mummy? Why is there a yellow line on the ground?” “It’s a warning, so people don’t step over it.” “Why?” “Because if you step over it, you’re too near the platform edge.” “Oh!” “Don’t go across it! I said it’s too near the edge. Come on, hold my hand.” “What’s down there?” “Just the track. But it’s quite a few feet down.” “Feets? Where are there feets?”

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Moving Mum – Lorraine Coverley

3500 words Women’s Fiction / Humour

Aren’t elderly Mums sweet? Little, old, wrinkled faces, bit of powder, lace hankies, sensible shoes – and a pain in the arse. Or is that just mine? It’s bad enough coping with her normally, but when she decided to move we discovered what she was really capable of. Up until now, it turns out, she’d only been limbering up…

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The day was going so well, until the ‘phone rang. It was one of my sisters. “Mum’s going to move.” “What, again?” It wasn’t that she actually moved that much. It was more that she threatened to. About every six months she’d announce that she was moving. One of us would get the job of driving her to her latest choice of warden housing, where she could sniff audibly and ask us whether that was damp we could smell and then mention in the loud tones of the very deaf that she didn’t think much of the warden and didn’t she wear a lot of make-up for a woman her age? We made a lot of lifelong enemies on those trips.

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Not the Seychelles – Lorraine Coverley

1500 words Humour

Hell is a week in Cornwall in a caravan in driving rain. No, it isn’t.Hell is a week in Cornwall in a caravan in driving rain with a bored four year old.

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“It’s raining!” “It is, isn’t it?” “What are we going to do today?” “Mmmm?” “Daddy!” “Oy! Mind my paper!” “I said, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TODAY?” “I heard you! I’m trying to read the paper. We’ll just wait for Mummy to get back and then we’ll decide. Eat your breakfast.” “Carla went to the Seashells for her holiday.” “Lucky old Carla.” “Can we go to the Seashells?”

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The Coach Party – Lorraine Coverley

3000 words Humour

Leaving your boyfriend is sad – but not half as sad as finding yourself in Yorkshire with a coach full of old gits, Vlad the Impaler in charge of the driving, and the hotel receptionist from Hell.

Of course there are ways of livening things up…

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It was cold, it was raining and worst of all, it was 5 a.m. The bus stop stood forlornly in the empty street like some sort of last outpost of civilization. I’d been there for a quarter of an hour, listening to the rain drumming onto the umbrella, before headlights pierced the gloom ahead and a long dark shape pulled up by the stop. Pallid faces stared at me from the windows. There was a sudden creak, the doors juddered open, a blast of hot air hit me in the face, and I heard the driver growling, in some sort of foreign accent, “Bloody doors! I shoulda brought a hammer!”

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The Day Death Wore Boots – A Collection of Ghost Stories

cover smallThe Day Death Wore Boots – ghost stories to leave you looking… and wondering…

Find out if the miniature Western town is really a toy in the title story. Was Jed Holloway’s death really down to faulty brakes – The Haunted Rig? You want to go home from your holiday in the Costa Del Sol but is it safe – Spanish Midnight? Does it matter that you don’t believe in ghosts when the ghost believes in you – Shard?

From Pompeii to the Wild West, from Australia to the shores of the United Kingdom the spirit world may be closer than you think!

Paperback sales UK ONLY – the book will be sent to your Paypal address unless advised otherwise.

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You can read reviews HERE

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The House on the Hill – Lorraine Coverley

5100 word Ghost Story

It was an empty house. Ideal, for ghost hunters. We set up our equipment and waited through a long night for a ghostly apparition to appear in one of the other rooms. It wasn’t until too late that we realised that it was already here …

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The house stood on a hill above the village. It had been built in the 17th century, of local stone. It had stood empty for some months and you could tell it was abandoned. Moss was beginning to grow between the flagstones of the path and one of the mullioned windows was broken, one large piece lying abandoned on the grass. There were three of us: Josh, Kev and me. I’d already had a long day, driving for a haulage firm. God knows what possessed me to agree to another one of these trips. I needed my head examining.

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The Tale of the Little Red Hen at Christmas – Lorraine Coverley

500 word Christmas Story

It was nearly Christmas, and the little Red Hen knew that there was a lot to do.

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“Who’ll help me with the Christmas shopping?” asked the Little Red Hen. “Not I,” said the Husband, “I’m too busy paying for it.” “Not I,” said the Teenager, “I’ve got homework.” “Not I,” said the Youngest. “I’m playing Kill Zap Kapow on the computer.”

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