Brandon – John Malone

1900 words General Fiction

Brandon is an obsessive/compulsive who rarely gets out of the house. Arlene is a woman he met on an online dating site. Will they even meet? Fall in love? Read on

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Brandon bounces out of bed. The sun beams through his window. Today he is meeting Arlene. It’s his first date since his marriage bust up over a year ago. He likes the name Arlene, the southern twang of it as it rolls off his tongue almost as much as he likes her profile pic and the profile itself, the self-deprecating things she says, the way she makes light of the heavy. They met on the internet. On a dating site. She had jumped out of the screen at him. Almost literally. They’ve been exchanging emails, now they’re meeting up. For coffee. It is still three hours away, but there’s much to be done.

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Coming Clean – John Malone

600 words Humour

In which two mature aged adults, fumbling for love, make a series of startling and ill advised disclosures to each other.

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I couldn’t decide whether I liked her or not. We had only been on one date, at a café where we drank coffee, a few glasses of chardonnay and talked about ourselves. A walk was mentioned earlier on but it never eventuated. We said goodbye after an hour or so and promised we’d phone each other during the week.

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Doctor Cancer – John Malone

1250 words Fairytale

A man reluctantly takes his wife to see a soapie star who plays a surgeon. He lives in a mansion high on a hill. They enter a frightening fairytale.

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“Why can’t you be more like Doctor Cancer?” my wife says, pushing me away. “Doctor Cancer? What sort of name is that?” “It’s not his real name. It’s what others call him. He’s a tv doctor. Cuts away cancers. All sorts of cancers but mainly breast cancers.” “A soapie surgeon! What does he do with them? The cut off breasts, I mean? Mount them on his wall as trophies?” “That’s disgusting. No. He’s nothing like that. He’s caring, compassionate.” “Until he gets the money.”

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Essence of Humour – 17 Short Stories

Cover paperbackHumour

Two  5 * reviews on Amazon

‘Essence of Humour’ is a collection of short stories which brings together the best of humour writing from 17 authors across the globe.

Paperback sales UK ONLY – the book will be sent to your Paypal address unless advised otherwise.

For other sales please use your local Amazon store HERE.

 

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Stories included: The Hit Man – Chris Cooke, Dear Mrs. Golding – Lorraine Coverley, The Fitting Room – John Malone, Saving Saturday – Arlene Johnson, Fortune Telling With Love Hearts – Paul Warnes, The Substitute – Sarah England , After a While – Peter Lingard , The Marmalade Cat – Raelke Grimmer, The Most Terrible Beast – Khristo Poshtakov , A Test of Friendship – Rosemary J. Kind , The Call Girl – Jaclin Azoulay , The Real Protester – Mel Fawcett , Twinkle, Twinkle – Tracy Fells, Signs – Clive Gresswell , It’s a Dog’s Life – Jackie Tritt , All Talk – Patsy Collins , Bella’s Sparkling Windows – Gill McKinlay

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Grey Matter – John Malone

1750 words Humour

The author attends a dinner party arranged by a dating agency in which a book no one had read is discussed and a surprise pairing occurs.

This story is included in the collection This Land is My Land

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Having unexpectedly found a premium park, I arrived at my destination a full fifteen minutes early. I expected to be the first. I wasn’t. A solidly built bloke, in his mid fifties was seated at the table reserved for our party. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Jeff. We’re both early.” I stood there. I must have looked a little uncomfortable. “Why don’t you sit down?” he said. “The others will be here soon.” I noticed he had already started drinking.

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Ming the Merciless – John Malone

2100 words Humour / General Fiction

A cat becomes between a man and the woman of his dreams. But a merciless killer saves the day.

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It all began with the cat. Her name was Cyndi, named after my girlfriend’s favourite singer, Cyndi Lauper. She was a three-year old ginger Burmese with slanty olive eyes which narrowed whenever she saw me. I did not like the look of her. I did not like how she looked at me. On only the second time to my girl-friend’s place, Cyndi for no apparent reason sank her teeth into my left arm, quite a feat seeing I was wearing a thick jumper and a flannelette shirt. “Ouch! What was that for?” I yelled as she let go and raced off to the next room.

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The Fitting Room – John Malone

1400 words Humour

‘A young woman goes into the fitting room and does not come out’ is the opening to this strange tale which swallows up the protagonist’s wife among others. And then begins the strangest event of all. One of the women is returned.

This story is included in the Essence of Humour collection

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“How long does it take for one person to try on a dress? This is ridiculous.” “Tell me about it. And it’s stifling in here.” “I’ll give her five minutes more. If she’s not out by then, I’m leaving.” “You’re generous. She’s been in there at least ten.” “Hurry up!” someone else yells. “There are other people here besides you.” Silence. “I wonder if she’s even in there?” The attendant goes and checks. “Hello. Are you alright in there?” Silence.

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The List – John Malone

1000 words Humour

A man obsessed about being on lists finds himself suddenly, for no apparent reason, falling off a list that at that moment is very important. Desperately trying to have himself put back on the list, he is confronted by an even more alarming possibility.

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I’ve always wanted to be on lists. To be on a list meant security, certainty. You belonged. You were wanted. You were part of a team. To be off a list meant you were on your own. Unwanted. Abandoned. And possibly forgotten. The square peg in the round hole. The one they couldn’t fit in. The cheese that stands alone.

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The Man Who Loved Ants – John Malone

Fantasy Fiction

A senior citizen is obsessed by ants. His daughter and son-in-law misread the situation and take appropriate steps. The man knows where this is heading and takes the only way out, one nobody anticipated.

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There once was a man who loved ants more than people. He liked nothing better than to watch them wander across the white plains of the desk while he was tapping away at the keyboard. He noticed they moved much more briskly than the humans he knew and with more intent. Whatever it was they were after they sought it with focus. And yet they didn’t think in strictly straight lines; they thought, when threatened, in curvy, squiggly lines like snails or slugs though as James noted before there is nothing sluggish about ants.

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The R R Diet – John Malone

2000 words Humour / Fantasy

In which the central character, by bottling up his emotions grows larger and larger till one Sunday at a dynamic church service he is suddenly ‘unbottled’ with hilariously disastrous results!

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“You’re piling on the pounds,” my ex-wife says. We meet from time to time to discuss housekeeping matters, like who keeps the house and who doesn’t. We try to stay amicable. “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?” “You know I don’t look at myself in the mirror.” “Well, you should.” As soon as we finish our coffee and agree on a few points I rush home and check myself out in front of the mirror. She’s right. I have put on some weight.

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The Underworld Code – John Malone

3200 words Mystery / Fantasy

A man in a near death experience stumbles upon a code which, when activated, gains a person admission to and from the underworld. All is well until…

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I had had a heart attack and was clinically dead, so they told me afterwards, for well over a minute. It felt much longer. I found myself in a tunnel, the one that is often referred to in near death experiences, but I had a companion with me. It was an axolotl. Only it could talk. “I am your spirit guide,” it told me. “Where are we going?” “Walk alongside me,” it said. “Towards the light.” I felt, but for the axolotl at my side, that I was locked inside a cliché.

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This Land is My Land – 16 short reads for lazy days

this land is my land - cover small5* reviews on Amazon

‘This Land is My Land’ and ‘Came as ‘me’, Left as ‘we’’ are ‘his and hers’ holiday reads from Alfie Dog Fiction. The collections bring together some of the best short stories from 37 authors across the globe.

‘This Land is My Land’  is more action and adventure driven while ‘Came as ‘me’, Left as ‘we’’ contains a mixture of women’s fiction, feel good stories and romance, and both contain stories to leave the reader thinking. Alfie Dog Fiction’s managing director, Rosemary Kind, says “We know from our readers that they like to stock up on reading matter for their holidays and these collections offer the perfect way to do just that.”

Both collections have a truly international feel, not only through the spread of the writers but the fascinating backdrops to the stories. Within the pages the reader will travel from diamond mining in Australia to a lone tree in an African desert, from the quintessential English seaside Pier to the jungles of Malaysia and coast to coast across America.

To purchase this book please go HERE.

Reader Reviews HERE

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Stories included: Winter Light – Henry Mitchell, Tiburcio’s Treasure – G. Lloyd Helm, Fordsburg Apology – Tom Rhoyd, The Sergeant Major Instructor – Martin Gosling, Presence – Michael Barry, Deadly Nightshade – Peter Lingard, The Tree – Dr. Robert Clifford, Tightrope – Michael Mohr, Rosie The Riveter – Chris Cooke, The Refugee – Stephen Rowson, Grey Matter – John Malone, Hunting at Dawn – Ian D. Smith, Under the Baobab Tree – Roger Woodcock, A Forgotten Key -Gerard Taylor Wallace, The Storekeeper’s Town – Paul Peppers, Beasties that Bite and Sting – Terence Brand

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