Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen – Brian David

1600 words Humour / Christmas

The prospect of recovering a consignment of Christmas trees stolen from a local garden centre looks bleak when the local police find they have less to go on than a hobbit’s toilet, but DS Moore’s fondness for Indian food helps him put the icing on the cake.

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A white police car was wending its way up the incline of a country road on a crisp December morning, wintry forest as far as the eye could see. “Of all the trees that grow so fair, Of England to adorn, Greater are none beneath the Sun, Than Oak, and Ash and Thorn.” “What’s that, Constable?” “Kipling, Sarge. We had to learn it at school.” “Busy man. He makes exceedingly good arboreta as well, does he?” “There it is,” WPC Jones said, ignoring the comment. “The Grassy Knoll. Up on the right.”

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Nelson – A Room With a View – Brian David

900 words Animal / Humour

Ever eager to impress his girlfiend, Delia, Nelson does battle with neighbour Fatboy Johnson. It’s a skirmish in which there can only ever be one winner.

 

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Can that woman talk? She’s got more mouth than the Yare. Five minutes I was waiting for her to open the front door, and all she could say was, “Why don’t you use the cat flap?” I mean, if I’d wanted to go out the back, I would have, but I wanted to go out the front. She’s anything to be awkward. I don’t say to her, “Why don’t you talk out of the other end, it’d make more sense.”

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Nelson – The Birthday – Brian David

1000 words Animal / Humour

It’s Malcolm’s birthday, and Doris has prepared him a special tea.  But what about Nelson? It’s his birthday too. Using all his feline ingenuity, he makes sure that the day is one of true celebration.

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“Tea’s up, Malcolm.” And about time. I’m starving. Better sit up and see what I fancy. “Mind your stick. There, that’s it. Put it over the other side of the chair so I can push the trolley through.” Oh good, we’ve got cream cheese and ham on those little biscuits. My favourite. “That does look good, Doris. What’s in the sandwiches?” “Mushroom paté and tomato in these, and cucumber in those.” Yeuch!

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Nelson to the Rescue – Brian David

1350 words Animal Story / Humour

When Doris Gasgoigne innocently takes a bundle of second-hand magazines from Nelson’s owner, Malcolm, little does she know what a problem it’s going to cause. Step forward Nelson, the cat who puts the barbs in wire fencing.

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“Is that you, Nelson?” Every time I come home, I get this. I mean, who does he think it is nipping in through the cat flap? The Norwich City football team? Of course it’s me. What that thing needs is a silencer. Now, where’s that food? Oh, bad news. Empty Bowl Syndrome. EBS always means I’ve got to go and remind him about proper room service. OK, Nelson, get your motor running, head out to the hallway.

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The Ghost of Brian May’s Haircut – Brian David

1000 words Humour

Like many young people, Jimmy Vaughan is searching for that elusive something that’ll project him into a world of fame and stardom… then late one night, he receives an unexpected visitor…

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Just as we can all remember where we were and what we were doing on the day Kennedy was assassinated, or during the time when the Berlin Wall came tumbling down, so can many of us recall exactly how our lives were changed forever on the day that Brian May had his hair cut. This is the story of Jimmy Vaughan, a young man of some eighteen summers, fourteen winters, twelve autumns and a springtime in Austria.

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White Christmas – Brian David

1080 words Humour / Christmas

With just a week to go before Christmas Day, Amy is asked to do her nephew a favour. Her husband thinks she’s got the wrong end of the stick, but Amy is adamant she is right. After all, she did have her hearing aid in when he called round.

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“THE TOAST, Amy. Could you pass THE TOAST! Oh, never mind, I’ll help myself.” Amy sat quietly, enjoying her tea. “What did you say? I’d have thought it’s a bit cold to be going to the coast, although I do enjoy my trip to Yarmouth on Boxing Day.” “TOAST! NOT COAST!” “You don’t have to shout, Jack. I can hear perfectly well, and where’re your manners? If you want the toast, you only have to ask. It’s not polite to reach across the table like that.”

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